Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Overaccurate compliment poem

Your eyes are not quite as blue as the sky;
Your teeth are not white - they're yellowy-white.
I like your new hairdo, though it's not that crash hot,
And somewhat less black than the night.

I am really quite fond of your crimsony scarf -
It brings out your bloodshot eyes;
Your bum certainly does not look big in that dress -
It's much more moderate sized.

Your voice is as soft as a slightly lumpy pillow,
Your skin, nearly as smooth as a three-quarter bitumened lane:
I'm more or less certain that you're my third-and-a-half favourite person,
And you're really quite good - in the main.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

I go mad with power

Since unlocking the secrets of the internet yesterday, I have become maddened with the power of my discoveries, and am now seeking to change poetry as we know it. Find below, for your amusement or bemusement a personally customisable limerick and a haiku, an instant T S Eliot poem, and several rhyming couplets for the price of one!

There was
When asked

Spring: the tree laden
My heart:

T S Eliot


Hello Charlie! Hello Dora!

(Cross-posted here.)

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Maybe, If My Arse Was On Fire.

I'm currently trying to organise a few people at work into forming a team for an upcoming corporate-fun-run-type-scenario, because I'm so rock n' roll I can't stand myself.
I asked one of my workmates, Phil, if he might be interested.
He responded by telling me that the only good reason he could think of for running would involve his arse being on fire, and a bucket of water being a good distance away.
I said I could probably think of at least fifteen other good reasons for running, and they're listed below.
Please let me know if you can add to the list, as I'm quite fond of winning unimportant arguments.

1. Being chased by a big angry dog.
2. Being hungry and in a group of three or more people, with a single piece of cake visible in the middle distance.
3. Being threatened at gun point.
4. Being offered a place on a rocket ship exiting an imminently exploding Earth, with fitness being the single most important criterion for getting a seat.
5. Being in the carpark at the beach and seeing your girlfriend drowning a fair way out in the water.
6. Being followed by a swarm of killer bees.
7. Being followed by a group of Seventh Day Adventists.
8. Being thrust into sudden fame, and hence constantly chased by the paparazzi.
9. Being at a party, with "My Heart Will Go On" on permanent rotation on the stereo, which is broken and hence the volume is stuck at eleven, and can be heard by everyone within a five kilometre radius.
10. Being in the Amazonian jungle and having just stolen a valuable artefact, but being caught in the act by some surprisingly fleet-footed pygmies.
11. Being quite near a building that looks like it's about to collapse or explode.
12. Being three blocks away from a bank robber who looks like he's just about to empty his sack full of non-sequential, unmarked bills into the air to avoid capture, just like they do in the movies.
13. Being told you have to jump a long way or your family will die, and needing a decent run-up.
14. Being obsessed with Superman movies, but not able to fly, so seeing if just running around the world really fast will make the world turn backwards so you can save Lois.
15. Being in the main hall of a Comic Expo, or what you thought was a Comic Expo, but discovering you got the date wrong, and you've arrived just in time for the grand final of some kind of running-based competition, the prize being a lifetime pass to all future Comic Expos worldwide.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

The APEC Drinking Game

It's APEC time, and you know what that means - protesters, police baton charges, fulminating pundits, increased threat of terrorist attack and world leaders wearing floral jackets. If you find it all a bit too much to handle, the APEC Drinking Game might be for you.

You will need: functioning liver, things to drink, access to a range of corporate media.

The rules are quite simple: whenever one of the following things happens, you take the appropriate drink. Please note that vomiting is not only allowed but is actively encouraged.
  • Newspaper headline includes one or more of the following words: "SHAME"; "ANGER"; "FURY"; "UNAUSTRALIAN": drink shot of vodka. If headline includes exclamation mark, drink a further shot.
  • Andrew Bolt has apoplectic fit: drink two large gulps of beer or wine.
  • Awkward on-camera conversation between John Howard and any Asian leader: take a swig of whiskey or other hard spirit.
  • Phalli at the ready!: drink your choice of cocktail.
  • Morris Iemma looks stern: drink five raw eggs.
  • Protester wearing Che Guevara t-shirt: drink a six pack of Jack Daniels and Coke.
  • Reporter uses phrase "plastic cups of urine": drink plastic cup of urine.
  • Riot police remove or cover name badges: poke tequila worm up left nostril.
  • World leaders pose for group photo wearing ridiculous "cultural" jackets: drink the little bit of sick that has come into your mouth.
  • John Howard baffles assembled leaders with cricket references: skol fifty-two cans of VB.
  • Dirty bomb: drink everything you can lay your hands on.

Cross-posted at Sterne.

Monday, August 27, 2007

A Story for Children: Return to Pimslandia: The Beginning That Never Was, Part 1

‘Oh how perfectly drab the day is, Charles,’ Alexandria said, twirling her blonde ringlets with one delicate finger.

‘Yes,’ Charles replied, muffled by the feather-filled pillow into which he spoke as he lay upon his bed, ‘yes, drab, drab, drab. Perfectly, utterly and absolutely drab!’ And with this he sat bolt upright and pointed a single accusatory finger at the awful weather beating insistently upon the window like a dull acquaintance demanding entry.

‘If only there were something to do, something exciting!’ Alexandria said.

‘Oh yes, something exciting would be wonderful, just the tickety-boo for a day such as this,’ Charles said. Their nanny Molly had suggested ‘snuggling up to a good book before the open fire’ until she was forced to retreat under a hail of publications that might have been good books had anyone paused to crack them open.

‘What we need, brother dear, is an adventure!’

‘Goodness, how welcome an adventure would be at this very moment.’

There was a long pause as the twins watched drips of rain roll down the glass.

‘I –‘ Charles began but he never finished his sentence. At that very moment, the bottom drawer of their chiffonier sprang open and the most curious creature leapt out. It had the legs of a goat and the body of a small man. Its chest was well proportioned and it carried a set of pipes slung across its back. It breathed heavily and quickly through a thick beard matted with various kinds of grasses.

Pausing only a moment to take the room in, the creature ran over to the children and grabbed their wrists.

‘Quickly, quickly, there isn’t a moment to lose! You’re needed for the sequel!’ It said in a high reedy voice that sparkled in the air like gold dust.

The twins stared at one another in amazement.

‘Oh do hurry, children! The Winter Queen has seized the Pumpkin of Deyar and her army of Isslings is marching on the Tam river which has frozen over for the first time in a century. Oh, everybody thought that when you pushed the Queen into the Abyss of Xar she would be gone for good, but she’s not! She’s back! Come, you must help us!’

‘I’m very sorry, er, sir, but we don’t know what you’re talking about.’ Alexandria said. The faun, for it was a faun, suddenly grew angry and his face reddened in a most impressive way.

‘Please children, there is no time for childish foolishness. The fate of Pimslandia hangs in the balance. We must act! There will be time for games and japes later.’

Charles felt his face darken.

‘Listen you goaty little cunt, we have no fucking idea what you’re talking about. Now get your hairy dingleberry covered arse out of our bedroom and out into the fucking street. We don’t need your sort in here,’ he said.

Alexandria folded her arms across her pink ribboned chest and nodded her head seriously, her blonde curls bobbing.

‘Charles is right. Get your randy little goat cock out of here. It’s disgusting. You smell like a barnyard in springtime. Would it kill you to put some fucking trousers on?’

The faun’s jaw dropped in surprise and it coyly covered its swinging genitals. It peered quickly at a note rolled up behind one pointed ear.

‘Is this,’ it said, pausing, ‘is this number four, the Pinnacles, Shropshire? I hope I have the right chest of drawers.’ He looked around, suddenly unsure of himself.

Charles shook his head firmly

‘Number four, the Pines and this is Kent and that, you ignorant little half-man half-twat, is a chiffonier. Now get your fur-trimmed rectum out of here before I start using it as a place to store my 200 die-cast metal Duke of Cumberland’s Own Royal Fusiliers!’

The faun backed away towards the chiffonier, eyeing Charles warily as he turned a toy soldier over in his fingers. And then he was gone, bolting back into the drawer as he quickly as he had come. The drawer shut behind him and the twins ran over to it and pulled it open.

It was empty.

‘Hooray!’ They said. ‘Hooray!’

‘Golly, that was exciting!’ Alexandria said. ‘And you were awfully brave, standing up to the beastly little man like that!’

‘Oh I know how to deal with his sort, see his kind every day as I walk past the State school. They don’t frighten me.’ Charles said, puffing his little chest out. Alexandria shuddered.

‘Well they frighten me.’ And then she smiled a bright smile.

‘What an adventure we’ve had! I can quite feel my appetite coming back! What a story we shall have to tell Mother and Father over dinner!’

‘Goodness, it’s five’o’clock already!’ Charles exclaimed. ‘How time has flown! Dinner will nearly be on the table! Do lets rush down and tell cook all about what’s happened. And Molly too, if she can forgive our earlier temper.’

‘Oh, yes,’ Alexandria said, giggling. And they both agreed it was quite the most exciting rainy day they’d ever had!

Friday, August 24, 2007

Looking for love

Me: forty-eight, ‘large’, ‘between jobs’, never married, optimistic. You: young, rich and interesting but not so young, rich and interesting that you will leave me for someone else, malleable.

Former child-star, perky but balding seeks Jamaican professor of economic history for fun times. Must have own crampons.

Smooth-talking lothario with leather trousers and waxed chest seeks attractive women of all ages for long-term emotionally satisfying relationship and possible marriage with children. Is your biological clock ticking? Let me put my head to your chest to find out. If you don’t receive a reply immediately, don’t worry – am working my way around the country, will get to you eventually.

Amateur surgeon seeks woman who likes walks on the beach, romantic candle-lit dinners and secluded mountain cabins. Must not ask too many questions. Medical insurance a plus.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Workplace Toilet Mathematics

Door closed + feet present + minimal movement + no noise = workmate disturbed mid-pooh, is clenching buttocks and willing you to leave immediately.

Door open + stall vacant + lid closed + can of air-freshener present + thinly disguised odour of beef = toilet recently poohed in, smears present.

Door closed + one foot present + sound of crackling plastic wrapper = workmate has period

Door closed + soles of shoes visible + groaning + retching + sound of can of chickpeas being emptied into bowl = workmate has food poisoning or bulimia.

Door open + stall vacant + receipt from Target present + discarded tag from new underwear on floor = workmate is dirty stop-out.

Door open + lid closed + traces of white powder present + no recent evidence of bowl or paper use = you work in an advertising agency or record company.

Door closed + four feet present + underwear visible + grunting audible = office Christmas party currently underway.

Door closed + two feet present + sound of box being opened + sound of urination followed two to five minutes later by word "Fuck!" = workmate is pregnant.

Door open or closed + two or more females present + tears + word "bastard" audible = Chad from marketing is the father.