Monday, August 27, 2007

A Story for Children: Return to Pimslandia: The Beginning That Never Was, Part 1

‘Oh how perfectly drab the day is, Charles,’ Alexandria said, twirling her blonde ringlets with one delicate finger.

‘Yes,’ Charles replied, muffled by the feather-filled pillow into which he spoke as he lay upon his bed, ‘yes, drab, drab, drab. Perfectly, utterly and absolutely drab!’ And with this he sat bolt upright and pointed a single accusatory finger at the awful weather beating insistently upon the window like a dull acquaintance demanding entry.

‘If only there were something to do, something exciting!’ Alexandria said.

‘Oh yes, something exciting would be wonderful, just the tickety-boo for a day such as this,’ Charles said. Their nanny Molly had suggested ‘snuggling up to a good book before the open fire’ until she was forced to retreat under a hail of publications that might have been good books had anyone paused to crack them open.

‘What we need, brother dear, is an adventure!’

‘Goodness, how welcome an adventure would be at this very moment.’

There was a long pause as the twins watched drips of rain roll down the glass.

‘I –‘ Charles began but he never finished his sentence. At that very moment, the bottom drawer of their chiffonier sprang open and the most curious creature leapt out. It had the legs of a goat and the body of a small man. Its chest was well proportioned and it carried a set of pipes slung across its back. It breathed heavily and quickly through a thick beard matted with various kinds of grasses.

Pausing only a moment to take the room in, the creature ran over to the children and grabbed their wrists.

‘Quickly, quickly, there isn’t a moment to lose! You’re needed for the sequel!’ It said in a high reedy voice that sparkled in the air like gold dust.

The twins stared at one another in amazement.

‘Oh do hurry, children! The Winter Queen has seized the Pumpkin of Deyar and her army of Isslings is marching on the Tam river which has frozen over for the first time in a century. Oh, everybody thought that when you pushed the Queen into the Abyss of Xar she would be gone for good, but she’s not! She’s back! Come, you must help us!’

‘I’m very sorry, er, sir, but we don’t know what you’re talking about.’ Alexandria said. The faun, for it was a faun, suddenly grew angry and his face reddened in a most impressive way.

‘Please children, there is no time for childish foolishness. The fate of Pimslandia hangs in the balance. We must act! There will be time for games and japes later.’

Charles felt his face darken.

‘Listen you goaty little cunt, we have no fucking idea what you’re talking about. Now get your hairy dingleberry covered arse out of our bedroom and out into the fucking street. We don’t need your sort in here,’ he said.

Alexandria folded her arms across her pink ribboned chest and nodded her head seriously, her blonde curls bobbing.

‘Charles is right. Get your randy little goat cock out of here. It’s disgusting. You smell like a barnyard in springtime. Would it kill you to put some fucking trousers on?’

The faun’s jaw dropped in surprise and it coyly covered its swinging genitals. It peered quickly at a note rolled up behind one pointed ear.

‘Is this,’ it said, pausing, ‘is this number four, the Pinnacles, Shropshire? I hope I have the right chest of drawers.’ He looked around, suddenly unsure of himself.

Charles shook his head firmly

‘Number four, the Pines and this is Kent and that, you ignorant little half-man half-twat, is a chiffonier. Now get your fur-trimmed rectum out of here before I start using it as a place to store my 200 die-cast metal Duke of Cumberland’s Own Royal Fusiliers!’

The faun backed away towards the chiffonier, eyeing Charles warily as he turned a toy soldier over in his fingers. And then he was gone, bolting back into the drawer as he quickly as he had come. The drawer shut behind him and the twins ran over to it and pulled it open.

It was empty.

‘Hooray!’ They said. ‘Hooray!’

‘Golly, that was exciting!’ Alexandria said. ‘And you were awfully brave, standing up to the beastly little man like that!’

‘Oh I know how to deal with his sort, see his kind every day as I walk past the State school. They don’t frighten me.’ Charles said, puffing his little chest out. Alexandria shuddered.

‘Well they frighten me.’ And then she smiled a bright smile.

‘What an adventure we’ve had! I can quite feel my appetite coming back! What a story we shall have to tell Mother and Father over dinner!’

‘Goodness, it’s five’o’clock already!’ Charles exclaimed. ‘How time has flown! Dinner will nearly be on the table! Do lets rush down and tell cook all about what’s happened. And Molly too, if she can forgive our earlier temper.’

‘Oh, yes,’ Alexandria said, giggling. And they both agreed it was quite the most exciting rainy day they’d ever had!


Jo said...

Only Amelia Jane could be more recalcitrant.

catlick said...

Whilst I enjoyed the tale, and, after a childhood of Blyton, Lewis et al, the brevity, I mark you down for an unlikely use of 'tickety-boo'. 'Just the ticket' is probably what you were looking for. Next to the wool vests in that chiffonier.

TimT said...

This reminds me of that Michael Gerber parody 'The Chronicles of Blarnia'. Only, you know, funny. Gerber's idea of humour is to replace C S Lewis's fine language with as many swear words as possible, and make the characters unlikeable. Bugger stuff like comic timing, nicely-used metaphors or a sensitivity to tone - with Gerber, it's all too hard.

Er, what I mean to say is, nice work.

nick cetacean said...

JT + TT: thanks!

Catlick: you don't think children might have mistakenly mixed two similar expressions they've heard?

catlick said...

They might have, but I doubt you would Nick.

nick cetacean said...

rowwwr, catlick, rowwrrr!

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