Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Workplace Toilet Mathematics

Door closed + feet present + minimal movement + no noise = workmate disturbed mid-pooh, is clenching buttocks and willing you to leave immediately.

Door open + stall vacant + lid closed + can of air-freshener present + thinly disguised odour of beef = toilet recently poohed in, smears present.

Door closed + one foot present + sound of crackling plastic wrapper = workmate has period

Door closed + soles of shoes visible + groaning + retching + sound of can of chickpeas being emptied into bowl = workmate has food poisoning or bulimia.

Door open + stall vacant + receipt from Target present + discarded tag from new underwear on floor = workmate is dirty stop-out.

Door open + lid closed + traces of white powder present + no recent evidence of bowl or paper use = you work in an advertising agency or record company.

Door closed + four feet present + underwear visible + grunting audible = office Christmas party currently underway.

Door closed + two feet present + sound of box being opened + sound of urination followed two to five minutes later by word "Fuck!" = workmate is pregnant.

Door open or closed + two or more females present + tears + word "bastard" audible = Chad from marketing is the father.

23 comments:

Tim said...

I can almost smell this post. There can be no higher praise.

TimT said...

A tantalising glimpse into another world! Have you heard all of these?

Public Toilet Mathematics, Sydney Style:

Door closed + sound of people groaning + guy shouting "I'm the one who's leading this charge!" = Alan Jones and his street lover next door. (Leave immediately.)

TimT said...

Oh, and perhaps we should have Nick install scratch and sniff on this website...

Jo said...

I assume that Workplace Toilet Mathematics: The Gents Version would be a lot shorter.
I mean briefer.
I mean quicker.

I don't know what I mean.

actonb said...

I am intrigued by your spelling of 'pooh', but otherwise, that was Bloody Hilarious (so much so that it required Capitalisation).

Mars said...

Chad... hehe (sucker)

nick cetacean said...

What is it with this dirty stop-out, fresh target pants thing?

What exactly do women think will happen to their special private bits if they continue to be exposed to the same cotton for the next 8 hours...?

The boxers I'm wearing -- four months and counting... it's only the filth that's holding them together but the value for money is incredible. And my 'carbon footprint' is tiny and shriveled!

nailpolishblues said...

Keep going like that, Nick, and it won't just be your carbon footprint that's tiny and shrivelled.

And, yes, I am giving you the benefit of the doubt.

jessie mo said...

With the retching you could have added 'workmate is pregnant' as well.

or perhaps, sounds of footsteps approaching toilets very quickly, body slumped over a basin. And to think i thought i could keep my pregnancy secret. And to think I did.

ahh, but your first one captures a universal but unnamed practice in the women's toilets that has intrigued me since it first began to dawn on me that there was something very silent going on.

nick cetacean said...

Nailpolishblues (if indeed that's your real name. I have my suspicions): a simple thank you for purloining my joke will suffice.

That's the problem with subtlety. It's subtle.

And jeez all, I promise to blog soon, if not tonight then at least before 2008 is up...

nailpolishblues said...

And obviously something I miss.

Miss Smack said...

ha, fantastic ! I love this !

davey said...

This list will come in extraordinarily handy during my next public toilet outing. Does it come in a pocket edition by any chance?

Slight mistake: I believe you forgot to carry the 'number 2s' on that last addition. I'm not altogether sure it alters the outcome.

Jo said...

I always forget to carry my number twos. I can never find a plastic bag.

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