Since unlocking the secrets of the internet yesterday, I have become maddened with the power of my discoveries, and am now seeking to change poetry as we know it. Find below, for your amusement or bemusement a personally customisable limerick and a haiku, an instant T S Eliot poem, and several rhyming couplets for the price of one!
Limerick
Haiku
T S Eliot
Couplet
Hello Charlie! Hello Dora!
(Cross-posted here.)
Showing posts with label poems. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poems. Show all posts
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Milwaukee Poem
Marion, as housewife
You not only clean and cook;
You rock your neat-pinned up-do,
And your beige Dior New Look.
Howard, you're the patriarch;
The king of hardware shops;
A member of the Leopard Lodge,
And chubby 'round the chops.
Chuck, you're off in college,
So we see no sign of you,
In fact, your excommunication
Is complete by Series Two.
Joanie, you love Chachi;
As romances go: sublime,
Although you had a crush on Potsie
For a brief, disturbing time.
Richie, you're a Ginger,
And you comb your hair so neatly;
Why, who'd've thought, much later,
It would fall out so completely?
Ralph, you're not so funny
With your silly rhyming name.
You keep insisting "you still got it",
But you've not got what you claim.
Potsie, real name Warren,
You're a singer and a saint
But with your cardigan and big blue eyes,
Jim Morrison you ain't.
Fonzie, you're so cool that
Even water-skis can't spoil it.
You jump things on your motorbike,
And hang out in the toilet.
You not only clean and cook;
You rock your neat-pinned up-do,
And your beige Dior New Look.
Howard, you're the patriarch;
The king of hardware shops;
A member of the Leopard Lodge,
And chubby 'round the chops.
Chuck, you're off in college,
So we see no sign of you,
In fact, your excommunication
Is complete by Series Two.
Joanie, you love Chachi;
As romances go: sublime,
Although you had a crush on Potsie
For a brief, disturbing time.
Richie, you're a Ginger,
And you comb your hair so neatly;
Why, who'd've thought, much later,
It would fall out so completely?
Ralph, you're not so funny
With your silly rhyming name.
You keep insisting "you still got it",
But you've not got what you claim.
Potsie, real name Warren,
You're a singer and a saint
But with your cardigan and big blue eyes,
Jim Morrison you ain't.
Fonzie, you're so cool that
Even water-skis can't spoil it.
You jump things on your motorbike,
And hang out in the toilet.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Each child comes pre-packaged with its own parental trauma!
Or, what not to name your baby: an instructive poem
Adolf Caeser,
Garttub Wheezer,
Chips;
Richard Small,
Or Richard Biggs,
Or Pritchard Richard,
Or Pips.
Chastity,
Voluptua,
Honoria,
Or Desiree;
F. L. Horatio,
P. N. S. Voratio,
Ralph F. G. Barffman,
Or Hepzibah.
Ron Wong White,
Yorwick Wright,
Darcus Wight,
Or Thomas Witt;
Mary Harry,
Mary Carrie,
Uriah Gaye,
Or Mary Hitt.
Hester Leicester,
Foster Costa,
Barry Larry,
Phipps;
Roland Ronald,
Johnston Johnson,
Mary Myra,
Kripps.
Peregrine Oliphaunt Ormond,
Fassbinder Uther King,
Simon Horace Ignatius Thomas,
Allemand Roger Sing;
Cary Hunt,
Ima Runtt,
Canning Stunt,
Or Ming.
And especially not:
Gina va Biggs,
and Hope-Polly Bumin,
Peter O. Ennis,
And Mary-Lee Cumin.
New Zealand couple P. and S. W. don’t understand what all the fuss is about.Ebenezer,
They have attracted worldwide attention because of their fight to be allowed to name their infant son "4Real."
They chose the name, they say, because after viewing an ultrasound during the pregnancy it suddenly hit them that the idea of parenthood had become - you guessed it - for real.
Buzzle.com
Adolf Caeser,
Garttub Wheezer,
Chips;
Richard Small,
Or Richard Biggs,
Or Pritchard Richard,
Or Pips.
Chastity,
Voluptua,
Honoria,
Or Desiree;
F. L. Horatio,
P. N. S. Voratio,
Ralph F. G. Barffman,
Or Hepzibah.
Ron Wong White,
Yorwick Wright,
Darcus Wight,
Or Thomas Witt;
Mary Harry,
Mary Carrie,
Uriah Gaye,
Or Mary Hitt.
Hester Leicester,
Foster Costa,
Barry Larry,
Phipps;
Roland Ronald,
Johnston Johnson,
Mary Myra,
Kripps.
Peregrine Oliphaunt Ormond,
Fassbinder Uther King,
Simon Horace Ignatius Thomas,
Allemand Roger Sing;
Cary Hunt,
Ima Runtt,
Canning Stunt,
Or Ming.
And especially not:
Gina va Biggs,
and Hope-Polly Bumin,
Peter O. Ennis,
And Mary-Lee Cumin.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Quandary Poem
A gentleman who had a fox,
A chicken and some grain
Wanted to cross a river
And it caused him mental pain.
His problem centred on the fact
That rivers have two sides,
And he wanted to transport things
With economy of rides.
The other point that caused him grief
And almost had him beaten
Was getting all his chums across
Without them being eaten.
For centuries, mankind has pondered
Over this one puzzle –
The solution lies in just two parts:
Some ether and a muzzle.
It's really not so hard to get
This poor chap off the hook:
Put the muzzle on the fox and then
Anaesthetise the chook.
A chicken and some grain
Wanted to cross a river
And it caused him mental pain.
His problem centred on the fact
That rivers have two sides,
And he wanted to transport things
With economy of rides.
The other point that caused him grief
And almost had him beaten
Was getting all his chums across
Without them being eaten.
For centuries, mankind has pondered
Over this one puzzle –
The solution lies in just two parts:
Some ether and a muzzle.
It's really not so hard to get
This poor chap off the hook:
Put the muzzle on the fox and then
Anaesthetise the chook.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Petals on a wet black garbage bag #1: a poem
Petals on a wet black garbage bag
Containing the partially cremated remains of the Emperor
Liu Shang, inventor of Shantung Chicken and
Laughing-Duck brand MSG-free black bean sauce.
I am spinning, spinning
Through the long-stay caravan park of your heart,
one thousand years after
Civilisation has crumbled away, leaving only
Rusting recreational vehicles and empty
whopper-with-cheese wrappers
Denuded now of mayonnaise and ketchup, drifting like
Factory-assembled tumbleweeds, manufactured in Malaysia
to high precision standards
mandated by head office in Zurich.
The Korean yuppie cannot order coffee in Starbucks
because his voice has been degraded by karaoke
and oral sex. Also this:
When you gargle La Marsellaise with a hang-over,
is it because you secretly believe yourself
to be descended from the French pirate Jean Lafitte
or because you once saw
Francois Mitterand peeking at the
special bumper Autumn issue of
Home Beautiful in an airport lounge in Cleveland?
poems
funny
Containing the partially cremated remains of the Emperor
Liu Shang, inventor of Shantung Chicken and
Laughing-Duck brand MSG-free black bean sauce.
I am spinning, spinning
Through the long-stay caravan park of your heart,
one thousand years after
Civilisation has crumbled away, leaving only
Rusting recreational vehicles and empty
whopper-with-cheese wrappers
Denuded now of mayonnaise and ketchup, drifting like
Factory-assembled tumbleweeds, manufactured in Malaysia
to high precision standards
mandated by head office in Zurich.
The Korean yuppie cannot order coffee in Starbucks
because his voice has been degraded by karaoke
and oral sex. Also this:
When you gargle La Marsellaise with a hang-over,
is it because you secretly believe yourself
to be descended from the French pirate Jean Lafitte
or because you once saw
Francois Mitterand peeking at the
special bumper Autumn issue of
Home Beautiful in an airport lounge in Cleveland?
poemsfunny
Friday, July 6, 2007
Towards a Poetics of Crap
Or, Variations on a Theme.
"You draw animals in a zoo while I go and do a poo". - Lars Empoli Crittenden
Shakespeare:
With quill in hand, dear father, thou wilt sit;
Marking out the bestiary of thy wit:
Whilst I atop the water closet will remain -
And force foul faeces from my buttocks twain!
Chaucer:
I bidde thou sitte, my father deare,
I canne nae lenger remaine hier
Butte dost thou bidde the fancies traine
To floweth free from outte thy brain.
& so: the Adder, Aspe & Asse,
The KRAKEN in the tight sea-passe,
Nae lesse the Sheepe & Milch-kine,
Thanne noble Bull, & Eagle & the Lion!
Neglect not thanne the seelie Worme,
As well, the Virus & cold Germe:
& Noblest Creature ever borne:
The most majestic UNICORNE!
& whilest thou draw - why! if it should happe
To please the Lord - I'll take a crappe.
Whitman:
Draw!
Let the wild creatures of the zoo leap, crawl, fly and flee free across your page!
Let freedom reign across history's page!
Let the ink flow!
Let the imagination run free!
Let the heart run free!
Draw, father!
Draw!
I will sit!
Sit!
While the world turns, this I vow, I will sit
Sit with all my heart and soul and mind!
I will happily sit! - Freely sit! - Sit as a man should sit! - Sit as an American!
I will sit proudly, patriotically, stoical, determined, wondrous:
And shit happily, joyously, happily!
Yes!
It will start with a fart and turn into a turd: joyously, happily, joyously!
A thing of great beauty!
A thing of great life and great beauty!
A hymn to creation!
But mostly a hymn to shit!
Hallelujah!
William Carlos Williams:
This is just to say
I have
Gone to hang a crap
In the dunny.
Forgive me. I was
Farting all morning.
Edward Lear:
There was an old man with a pen
Who drew two larks, an owl and a hen:
His son said to him: 'sit,
While I go hang a shit,
You funny old man with a pen.'
Wordsworth:
Oft when, in later years, I pensive scan
With inward eye the creatures of my mind -
(The worker ox, the stallion proud and free,
The throstle singing in the linden tree -)
Then does an innocent come up and declare
"I'm going to the dunny, dad, to crap!"
"You draw animals in a zoo while I go and do a poo". - Lars Empoli Crittenden
Shakespeare:
With quill in hand, dear father, thou wilt sit;
Marking out the bestiary of thy wit:
Whilst I atop the water closet will remain -
And force foul faeces from my buttocks twain!
Chaucer:
I bidde thou sitte, my father deare,
I canne nae lenger remaine hier
Butte dost thou bidde the fancies traine
To floweth free from outte thy brain.
& so: the Adder, Aspe & Asse,
The KRAKEN in the tight sea-passe,
Nae lesse the Sheepe & Milch-kine,
Thanne noble Bull, & Eagle & the Lion!
Neglect not thanne the seelie Worme,
As well, the Virus & cold Germe:
& Noblest Creature ever borne:
The most majestic UNICORNE!
& whilest thou draw - why! if it should happe
To please the Lord - I'll take a crappe.
Whitman:
Draw!
Let the wild creatures of the zoo leap, crawl, fly and flee free across your page!
Let freedom reign across history's page!
Let the ink flow!
Let the imagination run free!
Let the heart run free!
Draw, father!
Draw!
I will sit!
Sit!
While the world turns, this I vow, I will sit
Sit with all my heart and soul and mind!
I will happily sit! - Freely sit! - Sit as a man should sit! - Sit as an American!
I will sit proudly, patriotically, stoical, determined, wondrous:
And shit happily, joyously, happily!
Yes!
It will start with a fart and turn into a turd: joyously, happily, joyously!
A thing of great beauty!
A thing of great life and great beauty!
A hymn to creation!
But mostly a hymn to shit!
Hallelujah!
William Carlos Williams:
This is just to say
I have
Gone to hang a crap
In the dunny.
Forgive me. I was
Farting all morning.
Edward Lear:
There was an old man with a pen
Who drew two larks, an owl and a hen:
His son said to him: 'sit,
While I go hang a shit,
You funny old man with a pen.'
Wordsworth:
Oft when, in later years, I pensive scan
With inward eye the creatures of my mind -
(The worker ox, the stallion proud and free,
The throstle singing in the linden tree -)
Then does an innocent come up and declare
"I'm going to the dunny, dad, to crap!"
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Diagnosis Poem
A's for Alopecia, and I'm leaving all my hairs
On my pillow, clothes and lounge room, and a couple on the stairs.
B's for Botulism, and I'd do some more analysis,
But I can't seem to hold my pen with muscular paralysis.
C's for constipation, and although I'm eating fibre,
I can't get things to move from my intestine to my Khyber.
D is for Dyslexia - I find it hard to write
Without mixing words my up, and hence not looking very bright.
E's for epilepsy, and no matter where I'm sitting
You never know when I'll begin a-foamin' and a-fittin'.
F's for Frotteurism, and I simply can't refrain
From rubbing up against you on a crowded peak-hour train.
G's for Gonorrhea – I gave in to sexual yearning,
Now I have a yellow discharge, and I can't pee without burning.
H is Halitosis, and I'm finding, through my day,
That the more I talk to friends, the more they seem to move away.
I's for Indigestion, and the cake I had at four,
Is sitting just beneath my ribs, repeating evermore.
J, of course, is Jock Itch – it's as if a thousand ants
Have bitten, simultaneously, the parts around my pants.
K's for Kidney Stones, and no – the medicine's not helping -
I find it hard to pass my latest lager without yelping.
L is Lyme Disease, and now I'm feeling pretty sick,
Because I played too long with pigeons, and got bitten by a tick.
M is for Mad Cow Disease, and now I really wish
Instead of the Beef Wellington, the waitress brought me fish.
N's for Narcolepsy, and it's really hard to keep….
AWAKE! Because the bastard always sends me off to sl…
O's Osteoporosis, and the chalky, crumbly way
That it creeps into my spine, disintegrating vertebrae.
P's Psoriasis, and you can tell where I've been lying
By the flaky bits of skin – it's almost like my scalp is crying.
Q's for Quadraplegia – I cannot move, of course;
My limbs are just as useful as a siren on a horse.
R's Rheumatoid Arthritis, and it's useful joints I'm lacking;
When I'm standing up or sitting, you can hear my bones all cracking.
S - Somnabulism – I can go and get a cup
Of coffee and a biscuit, without ever waking up.
T is for Tinnitus, and my ears are always ringing,
It's like a choir of tone-deaf angels in my head, all singing.
U is for an Ulcer, deep in my oesophagus,
Spewing forth its gastric juices just like Mount Vesuvius.
V's for Vaginismus, and I'm left with little doubt
That, despite attempts at foreplay, nothing's going in or out.
W's for Whooping Cough, I don't know what the fuss is;
I've completely come to terms with my developing pertussis.
X is just for X-Ray, disappointing, yes – but true.
It's all that I can think of, and it looks inside of you.
Y is Yeast Infection (not the stuff you mix with wheat),
And I'm itching, and I'm burning, and I'm squirming in my seat.
Z isn't for anything. What am I – a doctor?
On my pillow, clothes and lounge room, and a couple on the stairs.
B's for Botulism, and I'd do some more analysis,
But I can't seem to hold my pen with muscular paralysis.
C's for constipation, and although I'm eating fibre,
I can't get things to move from my intestine to my Khyber.
D is for Dyslexia - I find it hard to write
Without mixing words my up, and hence not looking very bright.
E's for epilepsy, and no matter where I'm sitting
You never know when I'll begin a-foamin' and a-fittin'.
F's for Frotteurism, and I simply can't refrain
From rubbing up against you on a crowded peak-hour train.
G's for Gonorrhea – I gave in to sexual yearning,
Now I have a yellow discharge, and I can't pee without burning.
H is Halitosis, and I'm finding, through my day,
That the more I talk to friends, the more they seem to move away.
I's for Indigestion, and the cake I had at four,
Is sitting just beneath my ribs, repeating evermore.
J, of course, is Jock Itch – it's as if a thousand ants
Have bitten, simultaneously, the parts around my pants.
K's for Kidney Stones, and no – the medicine's not helping -
I find it hard to pass my latest lager without yelping.
L is Lyme Disease, and now I'm feeling pretty sick,
Because I played too long with pigeons, and got bitten by a tick.
M is for Mad Cow Disease, and now I really wish
Instead of the Beef Wellington, the waitress brought me fish.
N's for Narcolepsy, and it's really hard to keep….
AWAKE! Because the bastard always sends me off to sl…
O's Osteoporosis, and the chalky, crumbly way
That it creeps into my spine, disintegrating vertebrae.
P's Psoriasis, and you can tell where I've been lying
By the flaky bits of skin – it's almost like my scalp is crying.
Q's for Quadraplegia – I cannot move, of course;
My limbs are just as useful as a siren on a horse.
R's Rheumatoid Arthritis, and it's useful joints I'm lacking;
When I'm standing up or sitting, you can hear my bones all cracking.
S - Somnabulism – I can go and get a cup
Of coffee and a biscuit, without ever waking up.
T is for Tinnitus, and my ears are always ringing,
It's like a choir of tone-deaf angels in my head, all singing.
U is for an Ulcer, deep in my oesophagus,
Spewing forth its gastric juices just like Mount Vesuvius.
V's for Vaginismus, and I'm left with little doubt
That, despite attempts at foreplay, nothing's going in or out.
W's for Whooping Cough, I don't know what the fuss is;
I've completely come to terms with my developing pertussis.
X is just for X-Ray, disappointing, yes – but true.
It's all that I can think of, and it looks inside of you.
Y is Yeast Infection (not the stuff you mix with wheat),
And I'm itching, and I'm burning, and I'm squirming in my seat.
Z isn't for anything. What am I – a doctor?
Awkward questions: a love song by Barry White
Baby, mmmm, I’m lovin’ you more and more
Baby, uuunh, you wanna know the score?
Mmmm, darlin’, our love can only soar
Once I find out if that’s a cold sore
Chorus:
Baby, I like you jus’ fine
And you gotta sense of style
But I need a little info that’s not
On your Internet profile.
Mmmm, damn, baby you hot
You got me tied all in a knot
But I find myself wond’rin’ a lot
If you had your Hepatitis B shot?
Chorus
Mmmm, baby, you’re one tasty honey
Baby you’re better than money
And you may think I’m funny
But I gotta know f’you ever boiled a bunny?
Baby, uuunh, you wanna know the score?
Mmmm, darlin’, our love can only soar
Once I find out if that’s a cold sore
Chorus:
Baby, I like you jus’ fine
And you gotta sense of style
But I need a little info that’s not
On your Internet profile.
Mmmm, damn, baby you hot
You got me tied all in a knot
But I find myself wond’rin’ a lot
If you had your Hepatitis B shot?
Chorus
Mmmm, baby, you’re one tasty honey
Baby you’re better than money
And you may think I’m funny
But I gotta know f’you ever boiled a bunny?
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