I go mad with power

Since unlocking the secrets of the internet yesterday, I have become maddened with the power of my discoveries, and am now seeking to change poetry as we know it. Find below, for your amusement or bemusement a personally customisable limerick and a haiku, an instant T S Eliot poem, and several rhyming couplets for the price of one!

Limerick

There was an old man in a treea small girl with a fleaonce a small collie from Dee
Whomorbidly dreaded the seawas kept in the groove of a keywas famous worldwide for its knee.
When asked to come downto wear gownsof its renown
HeSheIt repliedwith a frownto the town,"Because it is brown,
"I eat all the flowers with glee!""Set Charlie the Wonderpup free!""And has sometimes been known to cook tea!"

Haiku

Spring: the tree laden
With blooming and blossomingdecaying plastic bagsstinky old herring heads
My heart: rejoicing.despairing.can-canning.

T S Eliot

APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding'You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;In this decayed hole among the mountains
And fiddled whisper music on those stringsAPRIL is the cruellest month, breedingUnreal City,
O O O O that Shakespeherian Rag—'My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad. Stay with me.Where the dead men lost their bones.
And we shall play a game of chess,A rat crept softly through the vegetationAPRIL is the cruellest month, breeding

Couplet

Hello Charlie! Hello Dora!

Someone's sleeping with our Cora!Do you like my polka-dot Fedora?Could you give some minutes up to talk about the Torah? Watch out for that man-eating flora!The head is in your mum's angorra.Should I use a nine-inch borer?I feel something in your aura...I'm the leprechaun! Begorrah!

(Cross-posted here.)

Maybe, If My Arse Was On Fire.

I'm currently trying to organise a few people at work into forming a team for an upcoming corporate-fun-run-type-scenario, because I'm so rock n' roll I can't stand myself.
I asked one of my workmates, Phil, if he might be interested.
He responded by telling me that the only good reason he could think of for running would involve his arse being on fire, and a bucket of water being a good distance away.
I said I could probably think of at least fifteen other good reasons for running, and they're listed below.
Please let me know if you can add to the list, as I'm quite fond of winning unimportant arguments.


1. Being chased by a big angry dog.
2. Being hungry and in a group of three or more people, with a single piece of cake visible in the middle distance.
3. Being threatened at gun point.
4. Being offered a place on a rocket ship exiting an imminently exploding Earth, with fitness being the single most important criterion for getting a seat.
5. Being in the carpark at the beach and seeing your girlfriend drowning a fair way out in the water.
6. Being followed by a swarm of killer bees.
7. Being followed by a group of Seventh Day Adventists.
8. Being thrust into sudden fame, and hence constantly chased by the paparazzi.
9. Being at a party, with "My Heart Will Go On" on permanent rotation on the stereo, which is broken and hence the volume is stuck at eleven, and can be heard by everyone within a five kilometre radius.
10. Being in the Amazonian jungle and having just stolen a valuable artefact, but being caught in the act by some surprisingly fleet-footed pygmies.
11. Being quite near a building that looks like it's about to collapse or explode.
12. Being three blocks away from a bank robber who looks like he's just about to empty his sack full of non-sequential, unmarked bills into the air to avoid capture, just like they do in the movies.
13. Being told you have to jump a long way or your family will die, and needing a decent run-up.
14. Being obsessed with Superman movies, but not able to fly, so seeing if just running around the world really fast will make the world turn backwards so you can save Lois.
15. Being in the main hall of a Comic Expo, or what you thought was a Comic Expo, but discovering you got the date wrong, and you've arrived just in time for the grand final of some kind of running-based competition, the prize being a lifetime pass to all future Comic Expos worldwide.

The APEC Drinking Game

It's APEC time, and you know what that means - protesters, police baton charges, fulminating pundits, increased threat of terrorist attack and world leaders wearing floral jackets. If you find it all a bit too much to handle, the APEC Drinking Game might be for you.

You will need: functioning liver, things to drink, access to a range of corporate media.

The rules are quite simple: whenever one of the following things happens, you take the appropriate drink. Please note that vomiting is not only allowed but is actively encouraged.

• Newspaper headline includes one or more of the following words: "SHAME"; "ANGER"; "FURY"; "UNAUSTRALIAN": drink shot of vodka. If headline includes exclamation mark, drink a further shot.
• Andrew Bolt has apoplectic fit: drink two large gulps of beer or wine.
• Awkward on-camera conversation between John Howard and any Asian leader: take a swig of whiskey or other hard spirit.
  
• Phalli at the ready!: drink your choice of cocktail.
• Morris Iemma looks stern: drink five raw eggs.
• Protester wearing Che Guevara t-shirt: drink a six pack of Jack Daniels and Coke.
  
• Reporter uses phrase "plastic cups of urine": drink plastic cup of urine.
• Riot police remove or cover name badges: poke tequila worm up left nostril.
• World leaders pose for group photo wearing ridiculous "cultural" jackets: drink the little bit of sick that has come into your mouth.
• John Howard baffles assembled leaders with cricket references: skol fifty-two cans of VB.
• Dirty bomb: drink everything you can lay your hands on.
  

Cross-posted at Sterne.